Defensiveness: how it stops us from learning and receiving feedback
Learn more about the dangers of a defensive mindset in the workplace
“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”
Proverb by 13th Century Poet, Rumi
Let’s face it, nobody likes receiving negative feedback, especially in the workplace. Whether it’s your much-awaited annual review or an offhand comment from a colleague, receiving critique can be a difficult pill to swallow. But did you know that your defensiveness (or ‘thunder’, cheers, Rumi!) may be hindering your career progression? No? Let’s explore…
If you’ve found yourself acting defensive in a work review or feedback meeting, you’re not alone. It’s completely natural. Mental health specialists, Very Well Mind say that ‘defensiveness is an automatic psychological mechanism that is triggered by internal or external emotional stressors.’ It’s a coping strategy that many of us adopt to deal with feeling personally threatened or attacked.
Management Centre explains: ‘When feedback triggers defensiveness, it is often because the feedback brings up feelings of sadness, hurt, shame, anger, or being misunderstood’ - all of which can be overwhelming.
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So, what does defensiveness look like? Research published in the British Journal of Social Psychology has shown that ‘defensiveness in response to wrongdoing is exacerbated by making the wrongdoer feel like they're an outcast.’
Most common behaviours of defensiveness:
Responding dramatically
Raising your voice and arguing back
Deflecting the blame onto someone or something else
Making up excuses for yourself
Disengaging or walking out of a situation
While these tactics may make us feel better in the moment, they’re actually impacting us in the long term: ‘it pushes people away, makes us look immature, and sends a message that we’re unable to regulate our emotions.’ (Psychology Today).
Even worse, being defensive in the workplace can impede our progress. Management Centre says it ‘keeps us from really hearing what [someone is] saying,’ making it harder for us to learn from our mistakes, react to future feedback, and grow professionally - and nobody wants that.
The good news is that defensive behaviour is a choice. There are plenty of ways in which we can actively choose not to resort to these protective patterns.
How to be less defensive at work:
Listen closely: Before you rush to defend yourself, try and listen to what your colleague or manager is actually saying. The criticism they’re giving you likely means that they believe in your abilities and want to help you improve in your role.
Ask for clarification: If you find yourself in a situation where someone at work is accusing you of a mistake, instead of lashing out, ask them to clarify what they mean by their point. This will aid both of you in better understanding the issue at hand.
Consider your triggers: When you feel yourself getting defensive, pause to reflect on the moment. Ask yourself what’s triggering your reaction. Is it what’s being said, why it’s being said, or who it’s being said by? If one colleague’s attitude is specifically triggering your defensiveness, you might both need to do some work on how you give and receive feedback.
Acting less defensively can not only lead to improving work relationships, effective problem-solving, and teamwork, but it can also help you grow personally and professionally.
Remember, no one is expecting you to be perfect overnight. Self-improvement takes both time and effort. Our best advice is to be patient with yourself, continue to listen to your manager and colleagues, and be open to change.
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